well this is weird

melo m super private diary is not working. and i hardly ever post but I just need to rant. I am sure my friends are sick of hearing about this so I though id write it down and maybe feel better. I feel like I am going crazy. Hopefully the person I write about doesn't know this I don't think he does.

So I have talked to a guy online since I was like 14 lets just say 14 years. I am not the type to have internet relationships. We never had one but we still talked for that long. Joked about having a relationship but sometimes seriously talked about it but maybe I was the only one who though it was even the slightest bit serious. Anyways the point is we finally hung out and it was fine I mean it could have been worse. But imagining what it would be like to hang out/meet after than many years it was never going to be how you would imagine it.

It sucks first off neither of us had time really. I was in the middle of driving halfway across the country to move with all my stuff and animals with me. He was working. He was nice and damnit attractive I was really hoping he would just be awful and gross so I could never think about him again. I am currently overweight and had awful hair. I need to loose 30lbs before anyone wants to date me. I warned him. He didn't really say anything after or anything since that makes it sound like we will hang out again or flirt. I wish I hadn't met him. I liked us talking about how awesome it would be when we did. Now we have hung out and have nothing to say to eachother. I feel insanely stupid and gross and well just insane at this point.

I am sure he hasn't thought about it at all. I just can't figure out if
it was just bad timing.
he found me unattractive.
not the right place/time etc.
or if he never meant anything he said.
or its just a distance problem.

I just don't get the point of lying to a girl that lives several states away. I get when guys lie to get laid (actually I don't get it but I am used to it) but why. Why pretend to have feelings for someone. Why guilt them when they have a serious boyfriend or tell them to come see you. I mean I get pointless or just for fun flirting. But when you guilt someone over stuff I would imagine its more than mindless.

I am going with either he found me repulsive to look at or he never meant anything he said.

One day after I loose a bunch of weight I am going to get really drunk and ask him these questions. If he hasn't read this and gotten a restraining order.

(no subject)

omg livejournal i have missed you so much. I doubt I have any friends on here anymore. Quit my job my car broke then my computer so yeah. I got a puppy though and hes the cutest. Ill have to post pics.

I currently im very tired and cant focus on writing I logged in to look at something. But I miss you guys.

blink and your dead.

Besides Blink I dont know what episodes I would recommend for someone who has never watched doctor who. That show is super emotional but I am not sure which would be best. Damnit ontd lets have a british celeb party so I can get more advice.

maybe i love this show because they are epic movies in every episode. drama, action, suspense even love which people hate but i love it. haha.

These lights will inspire you

I watched the halo awards. They had this boy he was amazing. When he was a baby his dad didn't want to pay child support so his dad injected him with hiv tainted blood.

I am angry at this guys father I want him to die to be honest. But this boy of course was angry for awhile but forgives him and is as positive as possible. He is a advocate for aid awareness and helps to many people. It made me cry. I want to give him the biggest hug and never let go. He wants to get rid of the stigma people with aids have. Makes me sad people still think you can get it from touching people.

It was really inspiring. I have always wanted to get involved and be advocate. I am so socially awkward and shy though. I never know where to begin. I dont know how to change. I want to but I hardly to or it takes me forever. I have one friend who is pretty involved and I always thought that was amazing we live nowhere near each other. I would love to meet people who care and have passions. I have always cared about people and want to help everyone I can. When post secret start the texting people I signed up right away. I was scared of getting texts and not being able to help the first text I for was horrifying like her boyfriend had killed himself. Having three of my best friends kill themselves though I could help somehow. I dont remember what I said I do remember he telling me I helped.

I have never regretted the horrible things that happened to me because I can take it better. The first time I was date raped I was 15 the guy was in his mid 20's. I wrote about it publicly I didn't care what people though I was just being honest. I got a lot of private messages from girls who said the same thing happened to them and they were glad I posted it because they didn't feel so alone and could finally talk about it. So not that I am glad it happened but good came out of it. Im glad it happened to me and not to someone who couldn't deal with it.

Then there is to write love on her arms. As I just mentioned 3 people close to me killed themselves. When I was in high school I went to the er a few times for overdosing and slitting my wrists. I cut myself for over ten years. I was close to relapse when my friend invited me to see dustin from thrice and to write love on her arms (which I thought was a band at the time) They had this open discussion where people talked about being sober, not cutting for years. It changed everything. I have never gone more than a year without cutting so to hear someone has made in three years gave me hope. I found her and thanked her you could tell she was so scared to talk in front of all those people so I had to tell her it helped me. I want to be her. I want to take my negative and turn it into a positive for me and others.

who knows I hope it happens I dont feel like giving my long list of excuses for why it never does.

sorry this entry jumped all over the place just lots of thoughts about different things .

(no subject)

I am getting this because its only ten dollars

And I love this one because its calming but has bright colors.

I love bright things and crazy colors but I also want it to be calm and relaxing because I am trying to work on myself. I guess well see I dont think I can mix my style and calm but I will try.

(no subject)

my laptop is broken. I don't know what I am going to do. Its good for tom cus I need to nap on my lunch break so I have the energy for physical therapy. But otherwise this sucks. My phone has internet but doesn't work as well. I have a mac in the bedroom but its hard to use in the spot of the room its in. This wouldn't have been a problem is our roommate was moving out on the first because we would have the second room and have more space but he is staying for another week and a half. Its ok I am being way to dramatic about not having a laptop haha. how sad.

eli love.

I think I am in love with Eli Roth. Not really though since he was just writing about fan girls I am no fan girl I am just reading his answers to our internet questions and I fucking love his answers fucking hilarious and seems to be honest it is the internet so who knows. I am bummed I missed out on most of this. I hope I never quit ONTD again.